Random Dating "Advice"

I was taking a break from my work and checked my email real quick, then decided to browse around on the MSN page that I ended up on after logging out. And this article caught my attention, and I knew I had to check it out:

Texting etiquette, explained
So, in this piece, the author provides a few tips on what is/not acceptable when it comes to texting, in order to provide some "aid in cultivating some warm-and-fuzzy feelings between you and your intended"..

"Do text on noteworthy occasions. Texts are a great way to let the object of your affections know that he or she is on your mind—especially when a response isn’t really required. “One text-worthy occasion is the morning after a great date,” says Regina Lynn, author of The Sexual Revolution 2.0. “A note saying ‘I had a great time last night’ or ‘Thinking of you’ is less intrusive than a phone call but very sweet.” Other prime texting times would be if your date has mentioned an important upcoming meeting or event. Sending a quick “Good luck at your meeting; you’ll do great!” beforehand or a “Hope your interview went well—looking forward to hearing about it” afterward are the equivalent of little love darts into your date’s heart. Keep ’em coming!"

Agreed. I think texts are a really great and yet very simple way to keep the spark going with your girl [regardless of what stage you're at, but definitely if you are still in the initial stages, i.e. just met, dating, etc .. or, in The Mystery Method, anywhere from A2 to the Comfort stages]. Especially with a follow-up text like was suggested here, or something to reference future-projections or demonstrate the fact that you were listening when she was talking to you from a previous conversation. The idea is to not only initiate and continue contact with the girl, but on a deeper level, to become a part of her daily life - that's the goal here.

"Don’t text when a phone call would be better. Though it can get addictive, having endless and lengthy text conversations in place of voice-to-voice action is a bad idea. Why? It’s all about making that human connection. “Texting is OK for simple exchanges of information — meet me here, see you there — but I want to hear my girl say hi,” notes Adam Dreyfus, 37, of New Canaan, CT. “I was dating a woman who texted me all the time, but it wasn’t the same as being at work, stressed out and behind schedule, then hearing the phone ring and hearing her voice. Just a simple ‘hi’ can make everything right in the universe.” So if it’s been a number of days since you’ve spoken to each other, consider picking up the phone to remind your sweetie what you sound like. Also keep in mind that texting can often be more cumbersome and time-consuming than a phone call, so before you compose your text, ask yourself: Would a phone allow us to hash out our plans more quickly? If so, save yourself (and your date) the trouble and use the phone."

This is another solid point. I find that it can become almost a habit of simply texting, which is really cool to keep things light and comfortable by not calling and hounding [since society's teachings lead us to follow silly rules, like the 3 Day rule, or other such things that can cause feelings of discomfort if you call too soon/often but can also cause you to lose the girl if you don't call soon/often enough..it's great to be the ones for whom these stereotypes and "rules" were created, simply to keep us in line]. Basically, texting creates really quickly the rapport you aim to have through phone calls, especially if implemented in a way that I suggested in the earlier point. However, whatever Attraction and rapport/Comfort she feels, it must be directed towards you rather than towards random words on her phone. Otherwise, when you meet next, it can very easily be an awkward situation, since the Comfort levels are not associated with the physical entity of you, due to her being detached. By talking on the phone, it makes you more "real" in terms of existence.

"Do flirt with caution. Nothing can break up a mundane work day better than a few texted sweet nothings… but if you’re thinking of steaming things up, proceed with caution. It’s all too easy to risk offending the recipient with a message that’s a little too titillating, too soon. “You shouldn’t start with porn words. Some people who can get really creative in bed still do not want to see certain words on their phones,” warns Lynn. “I would begin with some general flirting — I want to kiss you — and see what they say back.” If the person responds in kind and even escalates (questions like “What else did you like about last night?” are an obvious welcome sign), feel free to up the ante, slightly, with racier confessions. In short, before you dig into full-on dirty talk, you should pave the way with numerous texts that make it clear this is the direction you’re going and that the recipient is fine hearing them."

See, I don't know about this tip here. I've found that the quicker you escalate things, the better off it is [especially for later]. And, I've also found that it's easier to escalate quickly through text, simply because it is completely "casual" and already has the connotation of flirting/messing around built-in, so there's no sense of responsibility or consequence; then, with the increasing levels of rapport and Comfort, it makes it that much more normal to be "titillating", since you're both comfortable with each other. The feeling here should be that of you both going way back, so it's perfectly natural to be talking to each other this way. One thing that obviously helps this is making sure to have been initiating this kind of talk from the very beginning, so that she knows to expect that from you and can allow herself to be less inhibited about her own thoughts and feelings [let's be honest here: girls want sex just as much as guys].

"Don’t text at odd hours. Just as you wouldn’t call at all hours of the night, nor should you text then, either. “Always be sensitive to what the person is likely to be doing,” says Lynn. “For example, don’t text before 10 a.m. unless you know for sure he or she gets up early and enjoy mornings. Don’t text after 10 p.m.” Not only could you wake the person up (cell phones still ring when they receive a text), but even if your date's cell is turned off, he or she can still see you texted at 3 a.m.—and that makes you look inconsiderate, needy, or just plain weird."

Another point at which I don't agree..at all. The difference between calling and texting is that whatever message you wanted to convey, the 3am-text will get it to her with much less [if any] signs of neediness/clinginess than the 3am-voicemail would: a text is a very low-investment means of communication [plus, considering the content of it, it could be used/seen as a DHV - you're out at a party or having a blast with friends doing ____, etc]. As long as the message content isn't weird or needy [i.e. "I-I miss you.."], the actual time of the text has little to no bearing on the situation.

"Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say in person. Hiding behind your phone is a sure fire way to start a new relationship out on the wrong foot—especially if what you’re trying to avoid saying in person is important. “I once dated this guy who chose to text me about having an STD,” recalls Sharlene Smithers, 32. “I wasn’t as bothered by the STD so much as I was bothered that he texted me about it. It felt like a cowardly way out, and it left me wondering what else he was incapable of communicating to me.” It’s best to save texting for fun and flirty notes or where-to-meet-what-time type of plans. Save heavy conversations and first “I love you’s” for face-to-face chats."

Okay, this falls into both "agree" and "disagree" categories. Basically, I see it like this: to a certain degree, you can say just about whatever you want in a text. However, there are what I would think to be obvious, common-sense things that you don't try to convey through a text but rather need to address in person [such as the STD issue mentioned by the girl in the article].

"Don’t text if you’re tipsy. This one’s kind of obvious, but just about everyone does it so it bears repeating: Do not text someone when you’re nearly-falling-off-your-bar-stool drunk. “I was dating this guy who would send me drunken booty call texts when he went out with his boys,” recalls Erin Street, 30. “I’d get them in rapid succession, starting with, ‘r u coming over?’ And then if I didn’t respond he’d say, ‘r u on yr way?’ When I talked to him the next day, he didn’t even remember sending them. We laughed about it later, but in the beginning of our relationship, I found it way too forward.” So take note: If you’re soused enough that the numbers on your touch pad are swimming, your judgment’s probably impaired enough that you’ll regret whatever you’re about to text. Go home and go to sleep. If whatever you wanted to say is that important, you’ll remember it and can text away tomorrow."

This one does seem to be pretty obvious; however, as much as the author simplifies this down, I think it's not that basic, and it goes back to the 2 factors I mentioned earlier [the level of Comfort you've built with the girl as well as if/how early you'd initiated this kind of joking/flirting talk into your interactions] - sending a text in the middle of the night, talking about a booty call, etc, can be just fine if talking like that is congruent with your interactions. Notice in the above, if this girl found his comments to be offensive, then there wouldn't have been a "later" when the two of them "laughed about it" - it wasn't the comments themselves that were "too forward" for her but rather the fact that they were coming from this guy, who obviously had not demonstrated this to be a part of his natural way-of-being.

Alright, back to studying..for now..

~h