Sunday, September 7, 2008

Going Out Alone, Kinoescalation Tips, and Getting the Phone Number


I was taking a break from studying Micro, when I started thinking [a lot] about HBAmazon, whom I've been seeing at the most inopportune times lately, and finally had a perfect opening..if only I'd seen it [or rather, her] on Friday - and it [or rather, she] is obviously still on my mind.

And then, my roommate apparently couldn't not run into her today, studying near her at the library, and then ending up at the gym at the same time as her, too - and as luck would have it, he didn't take his cell phone with him the whole day, so he couldn't hit me up to let me know that all of this was going down..awesome



Anyways, I started thinking about how I need to close this [as in, I need to, and how to go about doing so], and these ideas started flying around in my head.

For example, we have exams coming up in 2 weeks..but most other terms don't. Am I going to have people to go out with? Should that even be an issue?

I personally kind of like going out alone. It's less hassle getting everything organized, you don't have to wait for your friends to get there, you don't have the distraction of standing around talking to your buddies, and it's a great feeling to leave your house alone and come back with a beautiful woman. It also makes approaching WAY easier because if you don't approach you're just standing around by yourself, which is not particularly fun.

When I first started going out alone, I always felt like EVERYONE in the bar knew I was there by myself and was judging me for it. So one night I decided to do an experiment. I went to a bar and stood in the middle of the bar by myself, not talking to anybody. I was fully expecting people to give me dirty looks or make comments, but nothing happened. Then the next night I went out alone again and this time did a bunch of approaches, I was sure every group was going to ask me where my friends were. And it never happened. Because people really don't care. The biggest hurdle to going out alone is getting over the feeling that people will think you're less cool for being out alone.

Ok so let's look at some things that can be done to fix that worry or fear.

1. Getting in the batter's box. This is something a buddy once said to me that has always stuck. He said the hardest part of going out alone is getting yourself going. I know how it is, you're sitting around your house debating with yourself about whether to go out or stay in. You list all the reasons for and against going out, flip through your phone looking for girls you could call to come over, etc.. But what if instead of that, you simply started to get ready. While you're debating with yourself, hop in the shower, or shave or pick out an outfit for that night. This will help get the ball rolling and then once you're clean, shaved, dressed etc..you'll feel like you have to go out.

2. Approach the first girl you see in the venue. Nothing kills your state when you're out alone faster than standing around with a drink in your hand. So instead as soon as you walk into the venue, start talking to the first girl you see. If there aren't any girls in the bar yet, then talk to the first guy you see. A lot of guys underestimate the power of being talkative. The more of a talkative mood you're in, the easier it will be to approach.

3. Set a certain number of approaches you HAVE to do. It doesn'thave to be overly ambitious, but make sure that you set a goal for the amount of approaches you have to do and don't let yourself go home until you complete them.

4. Establish a home base. This is one of the best and easiest things to do when you go out by yourself. A home base is where you're going to be when you are in between approaches. You don't want to be standing by yourself, so you make friends with either a group of girls you're not interested in gaming or a group of guys. Then you periodically check in with them throughout the night when you need a break or there aren't any girls you're interested in approaching.

Remember: going out alone is either normal or weird based on how YOU feel about it.

So now, let's say you're out and talking to a girl you're interested in. YOU MUST START TOUCHING ASAP!

It doesn't matter if you're not comfortable touching girls. That's fine, I was not a naturally touchy guy either.

So what I did was I came up with a simple structure to guide my touching. It went like this:

1. Playful touching - This is stuff like playfully shoving her, flicking her on the arm, patting her pompously, etc..this is the stuff that happens early on. With touching the earlier you do it, the more you will seem like a naturally touchy guy.

2. Hand touching - This is stuff like high-fives, thumb wars, playfully slapping her hand, and so on.

3. Arm in arm - This will happen as you're qualifying girls. She says something you like, you take her hand, place it on your arm and say "That's all you get". You can also do this when you're moving a girl by asking her if she's the romantic type and holding your arm out for her to link through.

4. Arm around - This is another reward type of touching. She says or does something you like, so you pull her in by her waist. There's an easy way to tell if she's attracted here, because she will put her arm back around you if she likes it.

5. Hand holding - The best way to hand-hold, is to suggest moving and then holding your hand back for her to grab.

6. Kissing - There's a variety of ways to kiss, but my soon-to-be favorite is what's called "The Almost Kiss". This is where in the middle of talking to her, you stop and say "I'm sorry, I'm having a really hard time talking to you, becauseI keep thinking about kissing you. But I understand we're not ready for that yet. So we're going to do an almost kiss. We're going to get really close, but you're not allowed to kiss me and I'm not allowed to kiss you. If you kiss me, it will ruin all trust in our relationship". Then you lean forward and get as close to her lips as you can without touching them. Then you push her away and go back to talking. 5-10 minutes later you can go back in for another almost kiss, at which point the girl will almost always kiss you.

The key with touching is that you have to act like it's the most normal thing in the world.

Ok, so now let's say things have progressed even better, and you need to get her number [i.e. no SNL in this case :-p].

Something to keep in mind: women give out their phone numbers all the time. The phone number isn't worth the paper it's written on, or the phone it's stored in. Sometimes women will even give you their phone number to get rid of you. This isn't the seventies when a phone number meant something. Every girl who has a cell phone, has caller ID..and she can pretty much avoid any guy she wants to, and guess what - she may want to avoid you.

The major mistake most guys make here, is not setting up a date. Getting phone numbers and agreeing to "see each other again sometime" are stairways to heaven. Instead what you want to do is suggest an activity at a specific time and place that you guys can do together. This could be as simple as mentioning how you're going to a comedy show this Thursday early in the conversation, and then bringing it up again and inviting her when you want to get her phone number. By making her commit to a certain time and place, you will see if she's actually interested or if she's just being polite. For example, this way she can say "I'm sorry I'm busy that night..", and if she doesn't suggest alternative plans, you know you have a potential flake on your hands.

Now there are a few other mistakes guys commonly make, as well. First is waiting too long to call her. On a cold approach, you want to call the very next day. The reason being, she doesn't have a whole lot invested in you, unlike a guy in her social circle, whom she'll have to see again.

Then there's waiting an ungodly amount of time to follow up if/when she doesn't call you back. Forget all the "3-day rules" and "5-day rules" you hear about; you want to keep following up every day or other day until you either get her on the phone, or you get distracted by all the other girls you have in the pipeline. You do have other girls in the pipeline, right?

Remember, this is the real world, and not every girl that you think you have a connection with is going to call you back.

The solution is to go out [alone if need be] and meet more women.

~h

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